MEET THE SPARTANS

Directors: Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer

Stars: Sean Maguire, Carmen Electra, Kevin Sorbo, Ken Davitian, Diedrich Bader

Year: 2008

Rating: PG-13

Kim Novak said it best in The Mirror Crack'd: "I could eat a can of Kodak, and puke a better movie!" Quite possibly the UNfunniest comedy I've seen in years, Meet the Spartans is one dead, lame joke after another for about one hour and ten minutes of film ... that is then followed by another (almost) twenty minutes of credits that shows all the deleted scenes in one equally-unfunny swoop.

The film - a Scary Movie-style spoof on 300 and a number of other films - stars the amazingly-buff Sean Maguire (whose work I've always enjoyed, 'til now) as Leonidas, a Spartan warrior weaned from a very young age to become king. In opening shots, we get some "hilarious" examples of the physical tortures Leonidas endured, during his growing up, in preparation for his role as Spartan leader, and as the film opens Leonidas and his faithful, second-in-command captain (Kevin Sorbo) receive news that Sparta is in danger of being attacked Xerxes and his Persian army. Leading a band of buffed misfits - who don't walk, but skip like Dorothy on the yellow brick road in The Wizard of Oz on their journey to battle (while holding hands, no less) - Leonidas' small band of men seek to head off the Persians and kill them, therefore saving Sparta.

That's pretty much the plot - if you fill the rest in with: tiresome scenes of Leonidas throwing everyone from Britney Spears to "Dane Cook" to "Sanjaya" from "American Idol" (and the entire judging panel from said show) into the Pit of Death (nearly all such "guest stars" in the film, by the way, are played by look-a-likes, hence the quotes above); Leonidas "training" his young son for battle by beating the crap out of him; joke after joke about homosexuality, and how gay Spartan males were (the men shake hands and kiss on the mouth whenever greeting each other); an overly-long You Got Served-style dance-off between the Spartans and the Persians; lame site gags with ancient Spartans using modern technology like cell phones and laptops; haphazard and nonsensical produce endorsements for Gatorade, Dentyne Ice and the like; and even Borat alum Ken Davitian accidentally ripping off one of his nipples.

Yep, you read it right - and that's what to expect from Meet the Spartans. Sean Maguire is okay, overacting his way through the idiotic script, and Kevin Sorbo plays it straight enough to be watchable. Heck, "MadTV" star Nicole Parker is probably the funniest person in the film, playing Britney Spears and Paris Hilton and Paula Abdul, among others - she was the only person in the movie who even got a chuckle out of me. And if you're hoping for any nudity from Carmen Electra, who plays Leonidas wife, forget it - but if you're into really buffed male bodies, there's definitely enough eye candy to keep you going for the film's short running time.

Other than that, there's not a single reason to even rent this dud - and if it happens to be the only thing on cable one day, when you're bored at home alone, I suggest go take a walk instead. Meet the Spartans is just that unfunny, and that badly written; a bunch of site gags and one-liners strung together and flung at the audience so broadly, the film even has to make its own reference as to where the joke is from - as if to make sure you get the joke.

Pretty desperate stuff, in a pretty dismal film. * - Get Reel