MEET THE SPARTANS

Directors: Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer

Stars: Sean Maguire, Carmen Electra, Kevin Sorbo, Ken Davitian, Diedrich Bader

Year: 2008

Rating: PG-13

Kim Novak said it best in The Mirror Crack'd: "I could eat a can of Kodak, and puke a better movie!" Quite possibly the UNfunniest comedy I've seen in years, Meet the Spartans is one dead, lame joke after another for about one hour and ten minutes of film ... that is then followed by another (almost) twenty minutes of credits that shows all the deleted scenes in one equally-unfunny swoop.

The film - a Scary Movie-style spoof on 300 and a number of other films - stars the amazingly-buff Sean Maguire (whose work I've always enjoyed, 'til now) as Leonidas, a Spartan warrior weaned from a very young age to become king. In opening shots, we get some "hilarious" examples of the physical tortures Leonidas endured, during his growing up, in preparation for his role as Spartan leader, and as the film opens Leonidas and his faithful, second-in-command captain (Kevin Sorbo) receive news that Sparta is in danger of being attacked Xerxes and his Persian army. Leading a band of buffed misfits - who don't walk, but skip like Dorothy on the yellow brick road in The Wizard of Oz on their journey to battle (while holding hands, no less) - Leonidas' small band of men seek to head off the Persians and kill them, therefore saving Sparta.

That's pretty much the plot - if you fill the rest in with: tiresome scenes of Leonidas throwing everyone from Britney Spears to "Dane Cook" to "Sanjaya" from "American Idol" (and the entire judging panel from said show) into the Pit of Death (nearly all such "guest stars" in the film, by the way, are played by look-a-likes, hence the quotes above); Leonidas "training" his young son for battle by beating the crap out of him; joke after joke about homosexuality, and how gay Spartan males were (the men shake hands and kiss on the mouth whenever greeting each other); an overly-long You Got Served-style dance-off between the Spartans and the Persians; lame site gags with ancient Spartans using modern technology like cell phones and laptops; haphazard and nonsensical produce endorsements for Gatorade, Dentyne Ice and the like; and even Borat alum Ken Davitian accidentally ripping off one of his nipples.

Yep, you read it right - and that's what to expect from Meet the Spartans. Sean Maguire is okay, overacting his way through the idiotic script, and Kevin Sorbo plays it straight enough to be watchable. Heck, "MadTV" star Nicole Parker is probably the funniest person in the film, playing Britney Spears and Paris Hilton and Paula Abdul, among others - she was the only person in the movie who even got a chuckle out of me. And if you're hoping for any nudity from Carmen Electra, who plays Leonidas wife, forget it - but if you're into really buffed male bodies, there's definitely enough eye candy to keep you going for the film's short running time.

Other than that, there's not a single reason to even rent this dud - and if it happens to be the only thing on cable one day, when you're bored at home alone, I suggest go take a walk instead. Meet the Spartans is just that unfunny, and that badly written; a bunch of site gags and one-liners strung together and flung at the audience so broadly, the film even has to make its own reference as to where the joke is from - as if to make sure you get the joke.

Pretty desperate stuff, in a pretty dismal film. * - Get Reel

THE WRESTLER

Director: Darren Aronofsky

Stars: Mickey Rourke, Marisa Tomei, Evan Rachel Wood

Year: 2008

Rating: R

The poster sort of says it all - "Witness the Resurrection of Mickey Rourke." In arguably the best performance of his lengthy career, Rourke shines in his "comeback film" as Randy "The Ram" Robinson, a down-on-his-luck wrestling star from Jersey, whose life has changed very little in the twenty-plus years he's been in business.

During the 1980's, "The Ram" was one of the biggest stars in the wrestling circuit, selling out events coast to coast. He could take a hit as well as give it, and as a professional wrestler Randy has enjoyed a lengthy career that's made him a genuine celebrity in the sport to this day.

It's twenty years later now, however. Older but not yet wiser, Randy is just becoming to come to terms with the fact that his body and reflexes aren't what they used to be. It takes him longer to heal, now, when he's genuinely hurt in the ring, and he can't quite move with the speed and agility of his younger years. Soon after agreeing to a rematch of his biggest, most infamous fight of twenty years ago, going head-to-head with The Ayatollah (Ernest Miller), Randy - late one night after a match - suffers a heart attack that lays him up with double-bypass surgery. Only then does he really come to realize that he just can't do the work anymore - and how little a life he has outside the ring.

Marisa Tomei, also nominated for an Oscar for her work here, plays Cassidy - a stripper who befriends customer Rourke, ultimately becoming his friend-maybe-more ... and Evan Rachel Wood shines as the daughter of Randy "The Ram" Robinson, who never knew her father growing up and wants little to do with him now. Indeed, the scenes between Wood and Rourke, as The Ram tries valiantly to save the non-existent relationship between him and his now-grown daughter, are touching and very real.

But it's Rourke's show all the way, and in a remarkable and truly heartfelt performance Rourke makes Randy a likable, conflicted, and very compassionate human being. The first half of the film concentrates on The Ram and his wrestling career - including graphic scenes of the violent matches and what Randy's endured in them - but the last half concentrates on the soul of the broken man inside, and Randy's personal struggle to find his place in the world outside the ring. The script is well-written, smart and honest, and never for a moment will you doubt either the sincerity of the film ... or Randy's sincerity in trying to put back together the pieces of his life in order to not end that life alone. It's great work, and as good as Penn was Rourke equally deserved an Oscar for this career-defining work. Randy "The Ram" Robinson could have come off so one-dimensional in the hands of a lesser actor, but in Rourke he becomes a warm, hopelessly-flawed human being you'll both care about and want to know.

It's amazing work, and Rourke totally deserves all the acclaim (and the career resurrection) this one film has gotten him. After years of struggling with personal demons and bad choices in his personal life, Rourke - like The Ram - shines again at last. ****1/2 - Reel Awesome-Reel Must-See

Trailer: ZOMBIELAND

KINSEY

Director: Bill Condon

Stars: Liam Neeson, Laura Linney, Peter Sarsgaard, Chris O'Donnell, Timothy Hutton, John Lithgow, Tim Curry, Oliver Platt

Year: 2004

Rating: R

Based on the real-life story of Dr. Alfred Kinsey, Liam Neeson turns in another remarkable performance, playing the scientist/sex researcher who both encouraged and enraged the American public with his open, uninhibited studies of the sexual habits of men and women in the 1940s/1950s. In a time when talking about sex was completely taboo, Kinsey - a zoologist hired by Indian University to teach biology - begins to teach a "Marriage" course at the school that shocks everyone with its frankness in openly discussing human sexuality. From terminology seen as "indecent" to use in mixed company in the 1940s, to slideshows that include male and female genitalia at various stages of arousal, Kinsey's class not only gets notice, but also inspired him to travel cross-country for in-person interviews with men and women from all walks of life - sort of in his own quest to answer what is and isn't "normal" in the bedrooms of America.

What he learns, along with the three men he's hired to travel and conduct interviews with him (Sarsgaard, O'Donnell, and Hutton) is that "normalcy" is in the eyes of the beholder. The study opens his eyes to the fact that there may be no such thing as normal, and Kinsey soon becomes obsessed not with sex ... but with showing the conservatives of America that the only way for people to have satisfying sexual lives was by talking openly and honestly about the subject in the first place. His wife Mac (Laura Linney) supports his work - more than she could ever know, she learns - and even types his notes up for him while rearing their three children. Soon those notes become a book, "Sexual Behavior of the Human Male" (the first of a projected nine-book series) which Kinsey publishes in 1948. It becomes an instant bestseller - Kinsey an instant celebrity - and even as the letters of thanks and confession come in, the newspapers flood with stories branding Kinsey a smut-peddle and hack.

The film basically chronicles Kinsey's life, and how he came to do his studies on sexuality. A top-notch cast all deliver pitch-perfect performances, with Neeson and Linney (both nominated for Golden Globes; Linney for an Oscar) standing out ... but Sarsgaard, as student-turned-assistant to Kinsey Clyde Martin, is absolutely terrific in the film as well, equally deserving of a nomination he never got. The film is very much a "hard R," with very frank discussions and visual images regarding sexuality ...

But while that should keep your kids out of the room, Kinsey is very much a film that should be seen - maybe for how far we've come sexually since Kinsey's time, but even more so for how little progress we've made, as a country, in doing exactly what Kinsey sought deep down: understanding that what two consenting adults do, in the privacy of their own homes, is no one's business but theirs. No matter how flawed his research might have been ... how "in your face" his ideas might have been in "threatening" the morals of society ... at heart, the guy just wanted to free people from their myths and shame; to let us know what we could be sexual beings, exploring our desires ... and it was okay.

It's a powerful, controversial message - even today - in a very well-made and intriguing film worth watching. **** - Reel Awesome

Trailer: WHIP IT

Trailer: YOUTH IN REVOLT

HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX

Director: David Yates

Stars: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Michael Gambon, Imelda Staunton, Gary Oldman, Ralph Fiennes

Year: 2007

Rating: PG-13

I'd wanted to re-read the fifth book in J.K. Rowling's phenomenally successful franchise before tackling the film, but finally gave up and decided to give it a go. Much darker in tone and story, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is one of the better of the film series - though those who've read and loved the book first may come away from the film fairly unsatisfied. And for those who haven't read the books - well, neither this film or this review will make one bit of sense.

It's a dark time for Harry Potter, as the film opens. He's back living with the Dursleys on Privet Drive, another miserable summer break made more miserable by the fact that he's had no communication from his best friends since leaving Hogwarts. Hermione (Emma Watson) and Ron (Rupert Grint, who - thank God - has gotten a haircut) have ignored his letters, and in fact to Harry it's been like he's bee cut off from the wizarding world

That changes when a pair of Dementors attack both Harry and his cousin Dudley, nearly killing the muggle boy; soon Harry is whisked away to a "safe house" that is actually the headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix - a group of wizards originally formed fourteen years ago to fight Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes). Most of the old order are gone now, but those left - along with others who've signed on for the cause - are banding together again in preparation of going against the dark lord once again.

Voldemort, you see, came back to power at the end of the previous film, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - although the only living witness to his uprising, Harry (whom Voldemort almost killed), is scoffed at and made fun by the Ministry of Magic when he tried to warn the wizarding world. And while many believe Harry, the Ministry - basically the "government" of the wizarding community - condemns him as either insane or a liar, and begins to take over every facet of life, trying to quench the growing panic ... their long arms of persuasion even spreading to Hogwarts, where a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher (Imelda Staunton, really wonderful and nasty here) working with them soon even gets Dumbledore booted from his job as headmaster. And with Dumbledore gone, Harry is more determined than ever to put together a battalion of students to defend themselves and their school - even if it means going against Voldemort, himself.

The cast reads like a who's-who of some of the best British actors working today, and overall the performances are more than up to the task (a couple of wooden, unemotional actors among the students, but there's so much going on here, it doesn't overshadow). The special effects and cinematography are first-rate, with David Yates doing quite a good job as the latest director in the franchise.

But for anyone having read the book (like me), the only way to truly enjoy this film is to completely set the film aside from the novel in your mind. Otherwise, you're more than a little likely to focus, instead, on the many (sorry, many) scenes and plotlines from the 870-page novel that never made it to the script, or finished film. True Potterphiles have found this to be the biggest complaint about this particular entry - but early on I learned to take the films as a separate entity, away from the books, and here in particular I think being able to do so went a long way to enjoying this installment in the series ... even if, with so many characters and plot points, it did (at times) seem like some of the actors were short-changed on screen time - and I wouldn't go looking for much here in the way of character development, either. There just isn't time.

That said, even with an ending I thought too "quick" compared to the finale in the book - overall, I really liked this one. Harry and the gang are growing up; growing up and taking on the real world and its many issues from love to hate. And the end of this film, which sets up Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, shows there's a whole lot of real world - and real evil - still to take on before it's over. **** - Reel Awesome

APPALOOSA

Director: Ed Harris

Stars: Ed Harris, Viggo Mortensen, Renee Zellweger, Jeremy Irons, Timothy Spall

Year: 2008

Rating: R

Actor Ed Harris worked overtime on this tale of the Old West - also serving as producer, co-writer, and director for this simple yet complex tale based on a novel by Robert B. Parker. He does all admirably, too, in a film that both captivates and entertains from beginning to end. I'm not normally too big on westerns, but this one was very well-made, and very authentic in look, feel, and texture - due in part to some terrific, Oscar-caliber performances.

Set in 1882 New Mexico, Harris stars as Virgil Cole, an expert at handling a gun who goes from town to town basically hiring himself out as a lawman. About a dozen years back he acquired a friend and partner in Everett Hitch (Viggo Mortensen), and when the two men hit the small town of Appaloosa at the beginning of the film, they find out pretty quickly that there's work to be done.

Appaloosa has, in effect, fallen victim to local rancher Randall Bragg (a gravelly-voiced Jeremy Irons), who - along with his men - terrorize and steal from the town like a bunch of old-west bullies, taking what they want. Even the town's sheriff and two deputies have disappeared (the film opens with Bragg himself "dispatching with" all three men), and when Cole and Hitch arrive it doesn't take long for the town aldermen to basically turn Appaloosa over to their new Marshall Cole and his deputy, hoping they will stop Bragg's reign. As the new Marshall, Cole can pretty much set up his own laws - and do away with anyone who doesn't follow them, legally - and when he and Hitch shoot and kill three of Bragg's men who resist arrest, the lawmen open up a small war with the baddest bad-ass in town.

To further complicate matters, a young and attractive widow named Ally French (Zellweger) arrives in Appaloosa, taking an immediate shine to Cole even as Hitch shows obvious interest in her, as well. This minor event actually ends up being a major plot point in the film, even though the character of Mrs. French serves only to move the plot forward - this is, after all, a "man's movie" - and is actually given very little to do herself, overall. Further, Renee Zellweger is the only actor on board whose presence and performance (and accent) don't seem up to par with the rest of the actors, and her casting seems the one misfire in an otherwise rock-solid film.

Mrs. French's arrival appears to be setting up for possible conflict between Marshall Cole and his deputy - and, in fact, her character is the source of a few surprises that come along later in the film, complicating things for sure.

But the heart and soul of Appaloosa lies in a (mostly) low-key, understated performance by Ed Harris, who radiates masterful control and demands your attendance whenever on-screen, even when he has no lines to speak. Viggo Mortensen, as his eight-gauge-toting deputy and best friend, is easily just as strong - if not stronger, as by the end of the film I found myself liking Hitch even more than Cole. Mortensen, always a brilliant and commanding actor, brings a wonderful, complex humanity to Hitch; indeed, you start the story with him doing a voice-over narration of how he came to meet Virgil Cole, and from those first moments are with the guy, heart and soul, throughout the rest of the film.

Appaloosa is a strong, entertaining, and very realistic story of a pair of (at heart) good guys and good friends from the Old West, who ride the range righting wrongs. Well-directed, well-written, and with top-caliber performances, it's - as said earlier - a simple yet complex story, told well. Exactly what you'd expect in a well-made western, and Appaloosa won't disappoint. **** - Reel Awesome

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